Friday, November 1, 2013

An Anti-Movember Manifesto

Do you know what Movember is?  Movember is a portmanteau word that combines the words Moustache and November.  Movember.  Get it?
Why would someone want to combine these words?  The following two excerpts are taken from
“Movember challenges men to change their appearance and the face of men’s health by growing a moustache. ...start November 1st  clean-shaven and then grow a moustache for the entire month.  The moustache becomes the ribbon for men’s health... ”

“The plan was simple – to bring the moustache back as a bit of a joke and do something for men’s health.”

This is a disaster.

First of all, growing a moustache is not a challenge.  It requires no effort, except not shaving.  Second of all, it is not a “ribbon”.  It’s facial hair.  Third, moustaches are not a joke.  They are very, very serious.
For hundreds of years, men unapologetically wore moustaches. But over the past twenty years or so society has stigmatized the moustache out of main stream existence.  Men with moustaches for the past twenty years have been outcasted as potential perverts, pedophiles, or worse, hipsters. Was Mark Twain a pedophile?  Was Albert Einstein a pervert?  No.  They were not.  They are heroes.

So why is Movember such a disaster?

Because it sets a very dangerous precedent.  Up until roughly January 1st, 1990, it was totally acceptable to grow a moustache.  Our fathers wore them, our father’s fathers wore them, but we better not because society thinks they are gross.

Unless, you do it in November.  

For thirty days a year (an entire month), you can grow a moustache, and people will applaud you for it!  

Cool huh?

You think a moustache is manly?  

It is.  

But you know what’s even more manlier?  Not caring what people think about your face.  Do you think your wife or girlfriend will applaud you the morning of December 1st when you go off to work with your moustache still intact?  

Hell no.  

She’ll say,“I thought that was only a Movember thing?”  

Yeah, that’s right buster.  Get your ass back in the bathroom and shave that upper lip.  And while you’re at it, shave something else off too.  

If this whole Movember movement takes hold, what are you going to do when you want to grow a moustache in February?  Tough shit asshole, that’s black history month.  Wait for your turn in November, and stop being a racist.  

Furthermore, what is this supposed to accomplish anyway?  Do people really think that a few dudes growing a moustache every November is going to do anything anyway?  

Attention men: prostate cancer exists, be a man and go get yourself checked out so you don’t die you morons.

And if you need permission or a charitable reason to justify growing a moustache, then there is no point in living anyway.

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